In this class we explore ways to help having difficult conversations.

Key Takeaways and Next Steps:

What makes difficult conversations so difficult?

Why The Conversation Goes Sideways

Why Have the Conversation? What Put in the Time/Effort?

One of the reasons we put the effort forward is that we want the other person to truly hear us and to understand why we’re upset/frustrated/angry/disappointed or whatever the situation might be.
We don’t want the situation to occur again and we want a path to improving the relationship and our communication.

Steps to Make the Conversation Easier

Bring Self-Awareness and Self-Management to all your conversations (I discuss these further in my class called “Emotionally Intelligent Communication.”
This is the ability to know what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it and, the ability to manage your emotions.
It’s useful to ask yourself - what would happen if you didn’t have the conversation? E.g., the situation gets worse, the unwanted behaviour continues, you hold resentment, frustration increases, you avoid the person instead of addressing the problem. Asking this helps you gain clarity on why you’re having the conversation. Think about the outcome you’re hoping for by having the conversation. E.g., resolve a disagreement, see a behaviour change, end a relationship, ask for an apology, change a family pattern etc.
Be clear on the scope of the conversation. It’s not useful to bring up every issue that is bothering you. Stay with 1 or 2 major points and don’t go outside these bounds. You can always set another time for an additional conversation.
Create Clear Guidelines:
Create a Safe Space – these guidelines, along with steps 4 – 7 are meant to help with creating a safe space.

Choose the best place for the conversation. You can decide this with the other person (or people) involved.
Discuss how to keep the conversation on track. For example, if it begins to go outside of the scope, each person can raise this.
If you begin to get reactive, slow down and lower your volume.
If people become reactive, call a time-out for 10-15 mins.
After one person speaks, the other is to paraphrase before they speak. This ensures
you’ve accurately heard the person.
If you catch yourself wanting to interrupt, take a breath, and let the other person
continue.
Note: When you demonstrate to a person that you’ve heard them and you understand their view, they are far more likely to listen to you. That’s why paraphrasing/reflecting back is so important. It doesn’t mean you necessarily agree. It’s means that you’ve heard and understand.
Prepare for the conversation in advance. Write out how you want to start and what you want to cover. For example:
“I want to talk with you about (situation/issue). I think we might see this from different perspectives and I thought it would be helpful to have a conversation.”
Emphasize that you want to come to a better understanding of the situation.
It’s also useful to try to walk in their shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling about the matter.

Be mindful of what you say and how you speak:

Without realizing it, we can become attacking or aggressive in our approach. For example:
Where the person left you feeling hurt: Rather than saying:
“You are such a difficult and thoughtless person and clearly have no idea how to treat people. I don’t know how you can live with yourself.”
You can say:
“I found what you said hurtful and disrespectful. I didn’t want to stay in the room with you. It caught me by surprise and I didn’t know what to do. This is why I want to talk with you. I want to know what’s going on?”

Take responsibility for your own thoughts/feelings by using “I” statements.” Avoid all or none language e.g., you always, you never.
For example, rather than saying. “You’re always so uncaring,” say “I find some of the ways you speak difficult to hear.”
Stay aware of any use of blame or judgement.
Be aware of your internal dialogue (e.g., reactions, frustrations, wanting to correct).
Just listen. It’s normal to want to defend yourself. As mentioned earlier, take a deep
breath and remind yourself that you will have the opportunity to respond.
To reiterate, paraphrase/reflect after the person has finished speaking. This
ensures that you’ve heard them correctly.
If you didn’t agree with something, ask for clarification.
For example: “When you said that I wasn’t prepared to help, could you say more about that. How did you experience that?”
This type of question invites the person to say what they actually meant.
Be careful not to make assumptions. If you feel you might be assuming something, check it
out and allow the person to respond and explain.
For example: “When you called and asked me to look after the kids, it made me feel like you thought I didn’t have a life and I’m always available.”

After each person has been heard and feels ready and able to
discuss solutions/ options, demonstrate your commitment to creating a path forward. Suggest ideas and invite ideas from the other person.
For example, if the conversation revolved around helping with the grandchildren, going forward, you’ve both decided on the following solution:
The person will now check in, see if you’re available, and try not to ask at the last minute (putting you on the spot). Should the request come at the last minute, it’s fully understood that you’ll say “No,” if you’re unable, and this is not a problem.

Thank the person for being willing to have the conversation.
What If It Gets Tense?
Come back to the Guidelines. If you or the other person reacts, take a 10–15- minute break.
Show respect. Remind the person of the purpose of the conversation.
Apologize if you react or step out of the guidelines. Acknowledge that it’s not an easy topic for discussion, but reiterate that you really want to talk about it and come to a resolve.

See the attached notes for more details.